Hello my dear watchers and friends,
I have been lax in posting anything really new lately because life has become ever more challenging to me. The weight of everything that I have managed to get wrong or that has gone wrong naturally has me in a blue funk again. I wish i could be a more consistent person. Always my true happy self, facing the shit of life with out a flinch. I am normally so positive, but the yin and yang must balance even in the individual.
Humid heat has settled on Ohio, it sits on my chest like a wet hot dog, shaking me and slowing my movement to a crawl. My brain feels like it is caught on fly paper, slow to move, slow to answer... fighting uphill mudslides to get basic functions of life in hand. Creeping hours of lost thoughts as i drift in and out of day dreams... nightmares.
The waking days have two small joys with blond hair to chase me back to a slender sun. And then I am reminded how i have failed to give them what they deserve, working constantly yet never able to keep up the bills that keep them safe and home.
Its a black place i find myself today. Not a rational one, not a logical one, i am sure i have much to look forward to.... but it has slipped out the sieve of my heart. I feel all i can do is curl up and wait patiently for this to pass. I know that it is indeed a dark hour when i put my hand to paper and nothing happens... nothing.
Where is my spark? Has it been sucked away by the curse of retail? Have i let it slip in self effacement and doubt? Is it hiding from the constant battering of the judgement of the world, who looks down on my like the accusers of The Wall?
I feel very much The Wall is a highly accurate description of my current state of mind... minus the drugs and fame and adultery.
Is this a selfish, angst filled pity party? I guess it turned into one, but that was not why i was sharing this with you all. I am sharing simply to show that even the brightest stars fall into darkness, and so that the many who feed off my joy will know that i am not an endless fount of happiness and light. Even i fall under the wheel of the world and am churned into the mud of despair.